I’m not going out today

It’s 9AM as I unravel from the usual melatonin induced coma and light spills in through the crack in my blinds. My joints are sore and muscles stiff, unwilling to propel me out of bed and into some semblance of a daily routine. I scroll through my Instagram feed for 10 minutes and an hour passes. I’m not getting out of bed today.

It’s 10AM and the dog jumps up on the bed to greet me, hopeful there will be a visit to the park today. It’s been raining all morning and it’s projected to rain for the rest of the day. I appease her with a cuddle and the promise that we’ll go when the weather is better, maybe tomorrow. She looks at me eagerly, not having understood anything of what I just said. We’re not going to the park today.

It’s 11AM already? I’ve still not left bed. I force myself up to get changed and open the blinds to brighten up the house – maybe that will improve things. I turn on the speaker and put on some sad music, fitting for the moment but really not helping anything. I should probably make some breakfast, eggs on toast like always. I finish up and the sink is full of dirty dishes. I’m not cleaning dishes today.

It’s 2PM, I’ve been staring at my phone and the wall in rotation for the past three hours. Mum called and I didn’t have the energy to talk. We’re all fine here Mum, thanks for the call. She hangs up… am I fine? I have nothing meaningful to do today and could be excused for sitting around like a slob but something feels different. There’s a small urge to go and do something hidden deep inside me somewhere, obscured by a complete lack of motivation. I’m not going out today.

It’s 5PM and I’ve done nothing all day. I managed to cook brekky and feed the dogs but that’s the limit of my energy. I start to think… too much. I have no patience with myself and I’m getting angry at everything. Is there any point to any of this? I’m completely miserable with my life in this moment and there’s seemingly nothing I can do about it. Snap out of it, you’ve not eaten since breakfast. But what am I going to cook for dinner? I have no idea and it’s really all too hard. Looks like I’m not eating dinner tonight.

6PM – my stomach hurts from not eating enough. The soul crushing boredom still isn’t enough to entice me to do anything. I have guitars on the floor beside me that I can’t muster the energy to play. The Nintendo Switch hasn’t been touched in days, nor the computer. There’s no motivation for the most menial activities. What is wrong with me? I have to get out.

I cook some packet pasta I’ve found deep in the pantry, it’s shit. I guess that’s why it’s hidden right at the back huh. I even manage to wash the dishes afterwards. The weather is still awful so we use the hallway to play fetch, leaving ball marks up the wall that I’ll stare at for a few months before getting sick of them and painting again. I call Mum again and tell her I’m not really fine, it feels good to admit it.

I put the sad music back on and sit down to write this post. I finish it and I hate it. Enjoy.